Saturday, January 13, 2007

I'm depressed

It all started from exam pressure. So much to do, so little time. But feeling so much pressure has opened my eyes and helped me to see my situation. I'm here for the next 6 months. And I am so homesick. Part of me wishes I had never left Brunei. I miss my home, my family, and all of my friends. I miss my church, my uni, my car, everything.

I've been studying a lot, and being alone at home in my room makes me feel so lonely. I was walking to the library just now and started to wonder-- Why am I here? I actually asked God, "Lord, why did you bring me here? What purpose do You have for my life right now in this country? I can't see it..."

I am unable to see the reason He has brought me here. I'm holding on to a hope that He will reveal all in good time, and His purposes will be revealed, but I've never had things feel so pointless before. I know He has used me here in some ways, like in Sunday School, or in touching the lives of people around me... but I can't help feeling like there should be more. Have I really affected anyone here? Is this the purpose God has for me?

I sent a message to my mom, telling her about my exam stress and just saying how much I miss her. She told me not to worry, and that she misses me too. I don't know why, but the moment I read that and pictured her in my mind, I just broke down. All the pent-up emotions and homesickness and loneliness and emptiness I'd felt for the past 3 months came through. I hadn't cried like that since I was a kid.

Sigh. I miss home. I need a hug.

Edit: My cousin came over, and we talked a bit, and I felt better. Meh, I guess that's what being away from home does to you.

My uncle and aunt had to go out, so I was left to my own devices dinner-wise. There was pork and rice in the fridge, so what do I do? Throw it all in a frying pan and cook it all up.

I have to say, not bad for my first cooked meal.

By Chester with 2 comments


i gues i'm a little too late to post this comment... but i know how you feel.. i do feel the same here in sg.. and it really sucks... i do still cry myself to sleep sometimes... so you're not alone ko...

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