Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Flinch

Today I talked to a friend of mine who's in London. Just simple things, mostly caught up. He invited me to his birthday party next month. Sounds like fun, though I'm a bit wary since I haven't the slightest experience with train travel, so I pondered how to go about it.

Then he told me that an ex-friend of mine is gonna be there. It's funny-- I'd had no thought about him for ages up to that point, and the mention of him brought memories flooding back, along with a foreboding I could not shake. Now, all thoughts of trains and accommodation and schedules are out of my head, and I'm smothered with a deluge of what-ifs and buts and maybes. I wonder if he'll talk to me. I wonder how he'll feel around me. I wonder if it'd be as difficult for him as I know it would be for me.

A friend said to me recently (probably in jest) that a man does not have "true friends"; he has "mates". I was inclined to argue, but he isn't entirely off base. In many ways, us guys don't make friends as easily as women seem to do, and even when we do, it takes a lot for us to get past the hurdles and barriers that separates being just mates and being real friends. For a man, having someone whom he can call a real friend, and do so healthily without fear of homophobic backlash from anyone (most often himself) is a real blessing.

So here I am, reminiscing and worrying. I'm plagued by what it would mean to see him again, what it would feel like to come face-to-face with a friend who had once meant the world to me, a friend who I would've given everything for, a friend who, if he had called at 2 in the morning, I would have forgone sleep to talk to him just to be able to be there for him, a friend who had been the epitome of platonic friendship and brotherhood. And because of that, he was a friend who could inflict the most trauma... and did.

And perhaps still does.

My soon-to-be-sister just sent me these old photos of myself. For some reason, looking at them makes me a little sad. Growing up is always sad. I miss being a kid.





By Chester with 11 comments

11 comments:

Chester.

That is so cute!

*faints because of the overwhelming cuteness*

Hehe, I remember when I was a kid. I was cute too.

But then, I... well mutated.

Lotsa love, Jana

wa so cute la, especially the hair and tummy. the last looks absolutely classic. there's something about the expression of the older man... and i'm quite sure it'd be nice to look at if it were framed.

ex-friend? sounds serious.

eeek! so cute!lol..cheeky ass smile!..its ok..ur not ...THAT old..=)

God, your face hasn't changed at ALL!!! YOU WERE SO ADORABLE!!!

I was a rather fugly baby actually....I swear I don't know why, my sisters were ADORABLE. I was just so...not cute.

Anyway, pertaining to the written part, women make friends more easily, but lose them so much easier as well.

When guys fight, they punch it out and ten minutes later, watch footy together and share beers.

Girls, when they somehow stop liking each other, will pretend to be friends but silently bitch about each other to EVERYONE else.

HHAHAHA.. so cute lah! and u still have that same big smile. =D hahah.

i know what you mean sana. but sometimes there are things so serious a keg of beer and a night of footy-TV will not solve them.

Judging from the dates, it was about 2 weeks after my 2nd birthday!

awwwww, the Ches-smile was there even back then! :D

Awww! Kung kung's in the picture...:) ANd i rmbr those chairs from Mile 2. Good time indeed...

Everything ok, cuz?

haha! still can't believe you haven't change... haha! and we, girls, make friends easier??? really??? didn't know that...hehe :p

[Mau] Hehe yeah, some things never change.
[Bee] Yeah, things are not bad. Miss you!
[caroline] Hehe now you do. ;p

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